My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.