I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.