Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"