A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.