A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did