Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."