A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"