I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.