I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"