You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'