I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.