Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
Are you married? What do you do for agravation?
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."