Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.