Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.