I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!