When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.