When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?