I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.