The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.