When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.