I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".