Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny YoungmanA doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Henny YoungmanShe ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Henny YoungmanA man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
Henny Youngman