The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."