A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.