A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.