A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Take my wife... Please!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did