Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.