When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.