I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"