Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

I'm sure some people might be offended by that, but this is my feeling about show business. It's not all about pure talent. There are certain people who command a stage because they look good ,like me.

I've never come into anything successful before. I've always been hired by horrible radio stations with horrendous reputations and nothing to lose.

I'm a parent, and I regulate what my kids listen to. I don't need the government to be the parent. If I'm a crappy parent, then I need the government involved.

Why be uptight about bowel movements and sex? We all have sex. We all have penises -- except for those of us who have vaginas.

I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?