I will never feel successful.

My show was revolutionary, ground-breaking. When I came on the scene, people were not doing a thing.

I seem to be some sort of lightning rod. I just really irritate people, you know? I really do.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

We all get one life to live here. It's 2012, and for gay and lesbian couples who are in love, not to be able to be married is so absurd.

I don't think any religion makes any sense and I think people who are into that are really getting duped, and I don't think Judaism makes any more sense than Christianity, and I don't think Christianity makes any more sense than Scientology. But here's a guy, L. Ron Hubbard, who told all his friends, 'Look, I'm gonna start a religion, 'cause I can't make any money as a science fiction writer.' I mean, he admitted that publicly! At least with Jesus Christ, you can't go talk to the guy.

I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.