You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

I have to satisfy my audience.

Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.