I knew that nobody could be on television week after week as themselves and exist for any length of time, because no one has that rich a personality.... So I knew that I had to create some characters.

A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.

The worst thing you can do with money is save it.

I drink for the honorable purpose of getting bagged.

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.

I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.