Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love.

I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

Some drink to forget, some drink to remember-me, I drink to get bagged.

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.