Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.

Most wives think of their husbands as bumbling braggarts with whom they happen to be in love.

The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.