If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

I knew that nobody could be on television week after week as themselves and exist for any length of time, because no one has that rich a personality.... So I knew that I had to create some characters.

The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.

It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.