It is difficult for people to appreciate their own laughter unless you show them some pathos along the way.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

Modesty in an actor is as fake as passion in a call girl.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.

The worst thing you can do with money is save it.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.