I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.