Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.