Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.

There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.