If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.