If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.