Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.