Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.