You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."