You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.