If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.