[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.