You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.