Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.