People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.