By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.