Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.