You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

You might be a redneck if...you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.