You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead