I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.