I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

My wife is like, You finally get your own TV show, you can have any kind of car you want and you get a darned truck. But my brother and I have the same kind of truck now.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.