Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.