If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.