I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.