I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!